Operation: StealAKid
by Lyrice
Summary: Madara Uchiha needs an heir. Being childless and adverse to the female sex tends to cause problems when one is in such a predicament as the Uchiha leader. AU  Minato is Yondaime, no massacre, blah  Rating may go up ?


Chapter One: Madara's Conclusion

Ever since he could remember, Madara Uchiha had always taken pride in the fact that he was extremely intelligent and mature beyond his age (which he was of a considerable amount, now). Another factor that he had greatly enjoyed was his eternally youthful and beautiful appearance.

Madara Uchiha was no stranger to a bedroom, it could be said.

However, as the years flew past Madara slowly began to realize that he was getting older, and had still yet to conceive an heir. Of course, Izuna (dearest little brother) could take over the Clan if Madara were to suddenly die, but the slightly younger ninja was at the top of the hill with Madara, and sightless to boot. Also, another problem became apparent to Madara:

He was just a limp noodle around _women._

It was not something that he was ashamed of, but Goddammit! Not even to just have a kid? Madara knew he needed to do something about this problem before he kicked the bucket. And so, the Uchiha Clan leader came up with a plan to get a strong, smart, attractive heir.

Introducing Operation: Steal-A-Kid

::snazzy page break::

Izuna sighed. Heavily.

And then he sighed again.

"Madara," he whined through a sigh, "Why are we here?"

Madara rolled his eyes at Izuna's question. "Because you didn't seem to hear the last HUNDRED times I've said it, we're here so that I can choose an heir to lead the Clan."

Izuna pouted at his brother's angry tone. "Well, then, why am _I _here?"

Resisting the urge to scream in frustration, Madara pinched the bridge of his nose. "You have no eyes," he whispered, to ensure that he had Izuna's attention. "SO I CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU AT HOME BY YOURSELF!"

Madara had tried to contain the last bit. Really.

Izuna scoffed. "Whatever. I may be blind, but I'm not useless-"

"I didn't say-"

"And furthermore, I'm blind because of-"

"You offered-"

"So I think I'm entitled to a little-"

"Don't _even _go-"

"Ahem."

The arguing brothers looked over to Hikaku. Madara wanted to squeal girlishly in excitement at the welcome interruption.

Izuna sighed.

"If you two are done, the leaders of the various branches will be arriving at any minute."

Madara nodded and stood, smoothing the front of his shirt down. He reached out and tapped Izuna on the shoulder, to which his younger brother stood and grasped Madara's arm lightly.

Hikaku watched the two quietly, with the air of someone who had known the brothers for more years than they had wanted to. _'Too many years more than I wanted to.' _He thought.

Leading the way out of the stuffy office (which is why Izuna had been bitching in the first place), Hikaku bit his lip as he heard the argument continue, albeit a bit quieter. _'Who in the hell is going to give their kid to Madara?'_

::snazzy page break::

Sasuke blinked in confusion. "Huh?"

Clenching his fists tightly, Fugaku repeated the question: "Are. You. In. A. Relationship. With. NARUTO UZUMAKI!"

Sasuke made an 'Oh' face, blinked again, cocked his head, furrowed his brow, and said, "Huh?"

Fugaku gave up and strode away, muttering about punching babies. Sasuke smirked at his handiwork. He wasn't really stupid, but he could "dumb his way out" of any situation.

It was one of many useful things he had picked up from the aforementioned blond.

Speaking of which (Thinking, his inner-Itachi mentally corrected him), there the dumbass was now.

Naruto strolled into Sasuke's house and plopped down on the couch next to Sasuke as if he lived there. And he kind of did.

"Sasuke-teme!" The blond yelled affectionately, as if he wasn't less than a foot away from the Uchiha.

"Hn."

Naruto smiled at Sasuke's customary greeting. "Why is your dad talking about killing children?"

Sasuke shrugged. "He's crazy."

Naruto nodded excitedly. "Yeah, I know. You wanna go to Ichiraku's?"

Sasuke ignored his boyfriend in favor of shoving his tongue down Naruto's throat. Itachi passed the two without even glancing at them, used to the nearly constant make-out sessions his brother seemed to always be involved in. The younger Uchiha was quite the man-whore.

Naruto pulled away from Sasuke and grinned cheekily. "Should we take this to your bedroom?"

Sasuke nodded but it wasn't meant to be as Mikoto called for her youngest son from the kitchen. ("You _will _do these dishes, so help me GOD!")

Sasuke grumbled but got up and drug Naruto into the kitchen with him. "You can dry," the raven said through gritted teeth, "but don't break them."

Naruto frowned at Sasuke's low level of faith in him. Taking a clean dish from Sasuke, Naruto flung his hands up in exasperation. "What are you talkin' 'bout, S'uke? My middle name is Grace!" The wet dish flew from Naruto's hand and shattered against the opposite door. Mikoto screeched from the living room.

"I'd say," Sasuke muttered, preparing himself for Satan herself to storm in. He wasn't disappointed.

"MY GOOD PLATES! THE _GOOD _ONES! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?"

Naruto waved his arms as he grinned sheepishly, attempting to calm the furious woman down. "Its okay, really! I can fix anything!"

The blond flung his arms to his hips in what he hoped was an assuring pose. On the way, his treacherous arms bumped Sasuke, causing the Uchiha to drop another plate.

Naruto ran.

::snazzy page break::

"Kakashi, I'm telling you- what? The Uchiha's are planning to overthrow me? That's absurd. Madara Uchiha is the laziest ass I've ever- they're seriously calling a Clan meeting? Like, the whole Clan? What is this blasphemy! My son is there right- oh, in two days? Well, I can- hold on, Yes, Mikoto?"

"I'm going to brutally murder your son."

Minato frowned and hung up the phone. "Any particular reason why?" He'd deal with Kakashi's yelling at being treated rudely later.

"My good dishes! THE GOOD ONES! He broke them. Two of them, precisely. Yondaime, he will die!"

Minato coughed and shook his head. The kid was just like Kushina. Running around, breaking everything. "I'll pay for-"

"You can't! They were handmade for me _by my mother as a wedding gift._"

The Hokage pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, I'm sorry, but-"

"Hn."

With eyes twitching, Minato sucked in a slow breath. _Must she keep interrupting? I'm trying to be nice._

"I'll see that he is adequately punished."

Mikoto 'hn'd' in agreement and left as silently as she had came. Kakashi popped in out of no where. "They're all murderous, traitorous bastards. Even the females."

Minato gasped and clutched his chest. "You just scared the shit out of me!"

The copy-nin smiled with his visible eye. "My bad. As I was saying on the phone, Madara Uchiha is calling the Clan together. As in, every single clan member. Even the children! I sense evil things."

Minato scrunched his face in thought. "Where did you even get this information, Kakashi?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Here and there."

"Here and there! You're worried about talk from 'here and there'!"

The jonin nodded. "Here and there is a very reliable source."

Plopping into his fancy, high-backed chair, Minato cursed.

::snazzy page break::

"Madara! Would you just say something? You're freaking them out with that gaze!"

Madara rolled his eyes at Izuna's persistent annoyance. "I have called this meeting to inform you all that... There is going to be another meeting."

The leaders of the various branches looked at one another in confusion. Hikaku clarified.

"The meeting he is referring to will be for the whole Clan. In its _entirety._"

The clansmen gasped. "What!" Inabi Uchiha yelled. "Where in the hell would we _put _them?"

Madara raised his finger as if he were going to come back with a scathing remark, and then stopped. Izuna smirked.

"Well..."

"Actually, Madara-sama was just saying that such a large meeting would be best dealt with in the center of the main district, where our marketplace is. Because of this, the market will be closed on that day."

Madara sent Izuna a thankful glance. "There you have it. In two days' time, the Clan will meet in the market of the central district. Be early, I will want to get this over with as soon as possible."

Fugaku Uchiha spoke up. "What matter of importance must we discuss that calls for the entire Clan?"

Sighing, Madara shook his head. "Look at me," he said, glancing around the room. "I'm not getting any younger. Soon, I will be in need of an heir. This meeting will be for me to choose the most suitable Uchiha to succeed me."

Collective gasps were heard. "But, Madara-sama, would it not be wise to choose among us heads, who have experience in leadership?" Inabi asked.

Madara nodded. "I've thought of that," he admitted. "However, I have come to the conclusion that children are very impressionable, and thus I will most-likely make my decision on a child. He must be very gifted, and eager to learn."

"So, why not just call for children and their guardians?"

Madara furrowed his brows. "This will be a great opportunity for whoever I choose. The Clan should be there to witness their next leader."

Hikaku nodded. "And the criteria?" he asked.

"A minor, preferably under the age of sixteen. Intelligent, strong, and a possessor of our Kekkei Genkai. Male, if no female offers considerable competition."

The heads nodded in understanding. Hikaku dismissed them, knowing that Madara was done. Now alone, Madara addressed his brother and most trusted advisor.

"I," he said with an air of utmost seriousness, "have _no _idea how to raise a child."

A/N: so there it is. Tell me if you like it. Should I continue? Or just leave it the way it is? Constructive criticism is always appreciated! I did run a spell-check, but they are not always accurate. So if you see any problems, tell me, please!


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